After Americans failed to help with the Republican effort to get public signatures on a virtual birthday card for presidential middle child and part-time vampire Eric Trump, the Commander-in-Chief demanded that his boy be shown a good time for his big day.
Turning 34 only happens once, you know, like, close to the middle of your life, well beyond when most people have birthday parties.
Regardless, the GOP set aside two hundred whole dollars for Eric’s event, which his “friends” threw him at a restaurant in Briarcliff Manor, New York, that by all accounts should not exist: How unlikely is it that there’s a legitimate eatery called “Guadalajara,” clearly named after the crime-ridden capital of Jalisco, Mexico, in anyplace called f*cking Briarcliff Manor?
Well, obviously the president’s security team thought the same thing I did, because they descended on the Mexican restaurant with the help of border security on loan from the nearby Canadian lookout and the nation’s newest tools in law enforcement, ICE. When they arrived at the scene, it was mayhem. Partygoers had attempted to disguise their obvious effort to kidnap Eric and force him to remember that he’s a registered Democrat who couldn’t even vote for his own father in the New York primary by stuffing him full of delicious guacamole and chips, and placing a large, festive hat on his head.
Agents had the president on speed dial, so after their commander snapped a picture of who he thought was Eric, he sent a hurried text to his father, asking for identity confirmation. Upon receiving the text, Trump reportedly sent back the following:
ICE agents slammed Eric Trump’s face down into his Fudgie the Whale cake and forcibly arrested him, along with everyone present, with the intent to deport them.
Unfortunately for Eric and his wife Lana, his brother Don Junior, and the only three people in America who would sign the GOP’s virtual card for him, Trump had them all held overnight for questioning and reportedly still didn’t recognize his son until after the sombrero came off.
See the image below for the shocking evidence of Eric Trump’s betrayal and donning of the enemy uniform:
It’s unclear whether the president will take further action.
Featured image via John Moore/Getty Images